


walk with me ('til the end)

by kimwonpil



Series: white petunias and yellow roses [2]
Category: Day6 (Band), N.Flying (Band)
Genre: Arguing, Aromantic, Asexual Character, But it's okay, Coming of Age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, Queerplatonic Relationships, Team as Family, ace!dowoon, aroace!jaehyun, game nights, he is redeemed, seunghyub is an asshole for like a hot minute, this is just jaehyun figuring himself out for 7k and being platonically whipped for woonie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27995190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimwonpil/pseuds/kimwonpil
Summary: White petunias bathed in red, and a door slamming shut behind him.Like the heroes of ancient myth before him, Jaehyun was on a quest, a quest to live. Which was rather tiring and tedious all things considered. But he had to do it, he didn’t think his bandmates could cope with any more near death experiences so soon after… Well, Hun’s situation.(or: after hun recovered from the hanahaki disease, jaehyun felt out of place and alone. but then dowoon arrived and managed to make the world seem a little less bleak)
Relationships: Cha Hoon & Kim Jaehyun, Cha Hoon/Lee Seunghyub | J.DON, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Kim Wonpil, Kim Jaehyun & Yoon Dowoon
Series: white petunias and yellow roses [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050416
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	walk with me ('til the end)

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! this fic was not one i ever expected to write, i've never imagined myself creating a sequel to any of my fics before and publishing it. but this idea was stewing in my brain from the moment i posted 'scatter the petals (so i can't remember you)' because jaehyun's character, i felt, had so much more left within him to write about. i never explicitly stated that he was aroace, nor went into much of his struggles, so i wanted to write something to give him the closure and happy ending he deserved.
> 
> as your local aroace, this is a lot of personal feelings and emotions morphed into a fic too. i'm going through a lot personally still and this fic was very cathartic to create over the past few weeks. i've written and rewritten it three times now and this version is something i am genuinely proud of. albeit, it is probably not the greatest thing i've ever written, but i love it all the same.
> 
> (btw you will need to have read the first fic to properly understand this one, as it deals with a lot of the issues not raised in that fic because hun was in his: ily seunghyub simp era)
> 
> i'm also going to just put it here, but i wrote this to a very specific couple of songs, one of which has the lyrics that the fic is named after. both sun and moon and if by sam kim were huge inspirations for me and if you want to listen to something whilst reading, then i suggest those two tracks.
> 
> i hope everyone has a great christmas, stay healthy and happy, and thank you so much for reading and supporting my works this year, i've never published this much of my writing in so little time before and i'm overwhelmed with the love i've received.
> 
> (title is from sun and moon by sam kim)

White petunias bathed in red, and a door slamming shut behind him.

Like the heroes of ancient myth before him, Jaehyun was on a quest, a quest to live. Which was rather tiring and tedious all things considered. But he had to do it, he didn’t think his bandmates could cope with any more near death experiences so soon after… Well,  _ Hun’s situation _ .

Within the span of a month, Hun had coughed up the last of his bloodied flowers, been left to sink into a coma for weeks and then finally emerged, supposedly good as new. Jaehyun would never admit to his skepticism, but his narrowing glances in Seunghyub’s direction whenever he drew closer to Hun told otherwise. It was rather strange, how it had all happened. At first, Jaehyun would have agreed, like everyone else had, that Hun and Seunghyub were truly made for each other. Seunghyub had only needed a little push and then he was falling face first into everything that was Cha Hun - Jaehyun’s best friend Cha Hun. Not anymore though, he supposed.

There was something akin to jealousy setting heavy in Jaehyun’s chest, the pit of his stomach twisting in tight knots and squeezing all positivity out of him. He felt as if he had been wrung dry, left out in the baking hot sun to burn. Maybe this was the Underworld? Maybe Jaehyun had walked into his own personal Tartarus?

Today had been particularly torturous, Seunghyub and Hun announcing that they were going on yet another date. Jaehyun really could not care less, simply shrugging his shoulders and wishing that they would have a good time. As always, Hun didn’t catch on to his indifference, swept up completely by Seunghyub and his charming smiles and even more charming words. Seunghyub, however, did see through the cracks.

“What’s wrong Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun felt sick. He hated that tone, he hated that Seunghyub sounded like he actually cared—  _ like he wasn’t somehow part of the problem _ .

“Nothing is wrong.” Jaehyun snapped, even if he didn’t mean to. Out of the corner of his eye, the petunias in a vase on the table turned crimson, and back to white soon after.

“Fine, have a good evening Jaehyun.” Seunghyub said, curt and with an air of indifference. He clearly had much better things to be occupied with than Jaehyun’s grouchy attitude. Jaehyun prayed that he would forget about it altogether, he couldn’t cope with another of Seunghyub's lectures, not now.

The door shutting left Jaehyun feeling empty, as he allowed Hweseung to emerge from the living room and drag him away with talks of playing Uno, or maybe Cluedo - because Hweseung knew that was the only game he could win, Jaehyun’s attention span never lasted that long.

The petunias still looked red.

  
  


⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘

  
  


Leaving Hun alone never got any easier. Any cough, any time he so much as cleared his throat, Jaehyun was up on his feet and rushing to Hun’s side. Despite his qualms and upset surrounding his best friend, his instincts seemed to override all of it.

Hun was like his Achilles Heel, ever present, a fatal flaw. He was there to be Jaehyun’s weakness, to break him down and make him feel like utter, utter  _ crap _ . Their conversation in the kitchen had been months ago now, Jaehyun had crumbled so much since then, he’d become a broken version of his former self. Even after seeing Hun so full of life once again, even after Jaehyun should have been equally as fulfilled seeing his best friend alive; he felt more dead than ever.

“—Earth to Jaehyun, shooting starts soon.” Hun chuckled, waving his hand in front of Jaehyun’s face and bringing him back to the present, where they were getting their makeup checked for an upcoming episode filming for their youtube channel. Jaehyun didn’t like that normality had returned so fast for Hun and hadn’t returned at all for him. Being able to laugh and joke around seemed like an impossible task, Jaehyun’s throat grew ever tighter.

It was only when the door in their small filming space opened and two extra voices piled in that Jaehyun actually zoned in for real, snapping his head up to find Younghyun and Dowoon standing there. Oh, so this collaboration was happening today?

He stood up and carefully manouvered around a sea of chairs and staff members, Dowoon’s face lighting up brightly when he realised that Jaehyun was coming directly towards him. Jaehyun couldn’t really care less about anyone else in the room, Dowoon at least made him feel safe.

Less like an outcast.

Their friendship had been on the precipice of blooming for so long, taking tentative steps for months, bordering on years. Being the respective drummers of their groups, they had hit it off as fast as everyone had thought they would, but with Hun’s problems ever present and their schedules all a mess, there was never a time to meet up. So Dowoon stuck to texting Jaehyun whenever he could, and Jaehyun - in a very typical fashion - would reply with comedic GIFs and quirky commentary of his day. And it worked, for the most part. Until the day everything seemed to snap between him and Hun, and Jaehyun suddenly became very aware of the emptiness created by a boy now attached to another’s hip. Jaehyun longed for company.

Fate now pulled him and Dowoon together like a magnet, Jaehyun stumbled into the younger’s arms in a friendly embrace. It would have been rather odd for Jaehyun to hug someone like this - someone who wasn’t Hun - but Dowoon was right there and very much willing.

“Hey, it’s been a while hyung.” Dowoon spoke sheepishly, clearly very in tune with the fact that some of the staff were staring at them both with curious eyes. Jaehyun couldn’t care less and didn’t move from where his face was now shoved into the crook of Dowoon’s neck. “Do you want to sit down whilst we wait?” He asked quietly, not giving Jaehyun a chance to answer as he all but dragged him to the couch in the corner of the room. Younghyun, from the sounds of things, still had to get his makeup done and Hun had instantly gravitated towards him to strike up a conversation. Had gravitated  _ away  _ from Jaehyun.

(“How are you and Wonpil doing?” Hun had quietly asked, when he believed he was out of earshot from Jaehyun and Dowoon, sitting with Younghyun and spinning around in his chair.

“We’re doing okay, I think the media attention is finally going away.”

“They’ll have moved on soon enough, you just have to wait for the next ‘Hanahaki scandal’ to happen.” Hun sighed at his own words, knowing Younghyun’s situation all too well. He and Seunghyub had received attention from the press - both good and bad - constantly after he’d come out of hospital. Younghyun and Wonpil were simply their next targets.

“Wonpil is handling it better than I thought, I can’t believe I was so stupid this whole time though… We could have prevented all of this had I just been less oblivious.” Younghyun’s voice was bordering on feathery, wisps of emotion coming off him and floating away as he tried to stay somewhat stable.

“It’s alright, you’re happier now and that’s all that matters. I promise it gets better.” Hun said with a smile, holding Younghyun’s hand for the remainder of the time that they sat there.

Hun didn’t know Jaehyun had heard everything, he didn’t see Jaehyun’s frown nor passing moment of upset. He didn’t see the friend that had not gotten better.)

“Just ignore them, romance is complicated and unnecessary anyway.” Dowoon giggled and bumped his shoulder against Jaehyun’s, breaking him out of his reverie. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, zoning out only to return to the present and instantly feel so much worse. But Dowoon was here, so was it really all that bad?

“Yeah, friends are much better.” Jaehyun said with a grin, managing to lift his own spirits as he realised that he’d made Dowoon smile. He quickly forgot about the other pair in the room as Dowoon produced a bag of cookies from his pocket and offered one to Jaehyun and the two of them rambled on in between bites.

It was like a moment of respite in the storm and Jaehyun’s quest took the backseat for a short while, his current course certain and free of danger. Dowoon’s smile reminded him of home.

  
  


⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘

  
  


“Snap!”

“Oh for God’s sake not again…”

“Stop being a sore loser Jaehyunnie.” Hweseung’s words and teasing tone landed him a slap to the arm, but it was without malice as Jaehyun erupted into laughter.

“I’m not being a sore loser, you’re just cheating.”

“I did not! Dongsung, tell him I didn’t cheat.”

There was a moment of silence as Hweseung and Jaehyun turned to face the youngest, whose face paled at the choice between going along with Hweseung’s obvious lie, or siding with Jaehyun. He went with the latter.

“You did cheat hyung, we all saw it.” He grumbled, trying his best to hide his smile as Jaehyun started to gather up all the cards for himself. It was their fourth snap game of the night and safe to say the neighbours would definitely be putting in a noise complaint the following morning, if they hadn’t done so already.

The sun was still twinkling somewhere in the distance, allowing flickers of light to rest on the carpet, intermingling with cool shadows and making the faces of the three men sat there look like mosaics. Jaehyun’s laughter eventually subsided, announcing his win of their game as he packed away the cards and put them back in the coffee table drawer. He turned on the light, stretching as he flicked the switch and squinting as his eyes adjusted.

“What should we play next?” Hweseung asked, only to be met with the sound of groans and grumbles from his friends.

“Can we play the game where we buy pizza?” Dongsung suggested and Jaehyun agreed with him instantly, rushing to grab a menu despite Hweseung’s protests. “And can I have pepperoni?”

“Sure you can.” Jaehyun said with a smile, settling back into his role of being the somewhat-responsible eldest of the trio. Today was the only day of the week where Jaehyun felt that he had some semblance of control on his life, he felt calm and peaceful and free. His body was lighter and his head wasn’t swirling with thoughts of self-loathing. Seunghyub and Hun were probably sitting in a posh restaurant in Gangnam, paying obscene prices for barely any food at all, pizza at least cured any and all hunger cravings without destroying anyone’s wallet or dignity.

“I’ll have that pizza with fries on top.”

“I see diets have gone out the window?” Jaehyun joked and quickly got a cushion whacked in his face.

“Yeah, and what about it?” Hweseung said with a mischievous grin, sticking his tongue out in Jaehyun’s direction only for the elder to do the same right back at him.

Jaehyun fished his phone from his pocket once their orders were written down, telling everything to the man on the other end of the line and also asking for extra fries. If there was one thing that could cure any negativity in Jaehyun’s life, it was carbs. Lots and lots of carbs.

“Next time,” Hweseung began as Jaehyun put his phone down, “You should invite Dowoon, it’d be more fun with four of us.”

_Dowoon?_ _If only he wasn’t so busy…_ Jaehyun sighed as he mused over just what game night with Dowoon would involve. He’d definitely enjoy it infinitely more with him there. They hadn’t had much time to meet nor talk lately, not since the youtube collaboration anyway. Jaehyun missed him more with each passing day.

“I’ll ask him about it, we should play Mario Kart if he does come.”

“But you’re too good at Mario Kart hyung, that wouldn’t be fair.” Hweseung whined.

“That’s exactly why I want to play.” Jaehyun said with a chuckle, settling back against the couch as Dongsung found a movie for them to watch. It was quiet in Jaehyun’s head, thoughts of the missing pair far, far away.

  
  


⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘

  
  


There was a pain, somewhere deep within Jaehyun’s chest, springing to life with vicious certainty as he woke up with a start. The world was monochrome and dead around him, and his breath was the only sound he could hear.

An ache began to bloom in his throat as he took in another ragged swell of air, trying to inhale but it felt as if it stopped short as soon as it passed his lips. A string of curses made their way out on the exhale.

Jaehyun’s path to the bathroom was made with swaying steps, vision getting more and more out of focus and he realised that this was probably it, whatever was happening to him was the end. He tried once more to shout, call for help, or even stay upright enough to flick on a light switch in the darkened hallway, but it was no use. Panicking seemed to be his only option as he weakly shoved at the bathroom door, only to find it jammed. Jaehyun sank to his knees and cried.

It had been so long since he had last tasted salt of this kind on his tongue, gagging and spluttering as he clawed at his shirt and sobbed, broken and fragile.

“Help… Help please.” He whimpered, feeling like some vermin left on the ground to die. Maybe that was all he really was, in the end? Hun had left him, Seunghyub had taken him away but Hun had still willingly gone. What had they seen in him that was so disgusting? So undesirable? That they’d had to go.

Another choking breath and something flew out of Jaehyun’s mouth, floating down onto the floorboards like an innocent feather. But it was no feather.

A yellow rose petal.

Jaehyun’s cries grew louder, echoing around in his head as he grabbed the petal and tore it to pieces, slumping down onto the floor and laying there as another petal came up, and then another.

He felt as if his brain had turned to cotton, lungs flooded with soil and dirt and thorns.

But he didn’t love anyone, not like  _ that _ .

It didn’t make sense.

Nothing about this made any—

Jaehyun woke up.

The world flooded into colour once again, although it was dim and warm, easy on his eyes as he rubbed at them blearily. Jaehyun’s heart wouldn’t stop pounding as he placed a hand flat on his chest, his other palm coming to rest on his forehead.  _ It was all just a dream, a terrible dream, _ Jaehyun reminded himself, breathing in and out until he could feel himself start to calm down slightly, sinking into the chair he was sat in.

They’d been going home from a variety show and it seemed like everyone else was still asleep, well, that was what Jaehyun had hoped. But then he had turned around to see the person next to him, and found Hun looking into his eyes with a twinge of concern.

Jaehyun felt sick again.

“Are you alright Jaehyunnie?”

Jaehyun was sure he was about to break down from those words alone, but they sounded so tired, so hollow. And so he sucked his emotions right back in again, locked them far away where he couldn’t dwell on them.

“Yeah, I’m fine, sorry for waking you.” He deadpanned and turned away, pressing his face to the cool window. Jaehyun didn’t go back to sleep, he didn’t want any more flowers to appear.

⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘

  
  


Dowoon showed up to the next game night after all, and Jaehyun suddenly believed in good fortune once again. The petunias on the kitchen table had been replaced with harmless daisies that put Jaehyun’s mind at ease. They were only white and yellow.

With there now being four people, Hweseung somehow won them over into playing Cluedo, which had led to their current situation. Jaehyun still didn’t understand what was going on and what he was supposed to be doing. He was playing as Professor Plum and had some cards in his hands, that much he knew, but what he was aiming to achieve to win was beyond his realm of understanding, groaning as the dice were passed back to him.

“Do you want me to help hyung?” Dowoon asked quietly, smiling over at Jaehyun who could only shake his head.

“No, I’ve got this.” He grumbled, glaring over at a smirking Hweseung who was having way too much fun for this only being a board game.

As it quickly turned out, Jaehyun hadn’t ‘got this’ at all. He had done whatever the opposite of ‘got this’ was.

“Jaehyun… Hweseung literally just asked the question you did.” Dongsung said quietly, trying to be polite but his breathy giggles gave away his amusement. Soon enough, the other three were all chuckling away at Jaehyun’s situation. Maybe he didn’t believe in good fortune anymore.

“I’m going to sit this one out and order food, what do we want?” He asked as Hweseung cheered from just the mere mention of food.

“I’d like—”

“Actually I was asking Dowoonie.” Jaehyun said sweetly, to which Hweseung gasped in his usual melodramatic style, hand on his chest as he pretended to cry.

“I’d like fried chicken thanks.” Dowoon said with a soft laugh that brought about the cosy feeling Jaehyun had so wanted to experience again, a smile curling at the corners of his lips. He made quick work of ordering the food after that, making sure to get quite a bit more than usual - it was a special occasion after all.

When the game was finished and the food almost eaten, the four of them took their conversations to somewhere Jaehyun wasn’t well versed in. He could crack a joke about almost anything, but not  _ this _ .

“So… Soulmates?” Hweseung had mused, cleaning chicken grease from his fingers as he chewed on fries. It wasn’t the most stunning of sights, but at this point in the late evening, none of them looked the best. Especially not Jaehyun, whose face had paled at the mere mention of a topic he still couldn’t comprehend. “Do you think they exist?”

“I mean, have you seen Hun and Seunghyub? They literally give each other those disgusting puppy-love eyes whenever they get the chance.” Dongsung scrunched his nose up in what looked like disgust, but Jaehyun knew he found the pair just as cute as most did. Jaehyun was not included in that majority.

Hun and Seunghyub would be a great couple, if they hadn’t completely forgotten that other people - with emotions - existed around them. Never had either of them asked him if he was okay in regards to everything that had unfolded, they didn’t see the way flowers made him flinch or how coughing made his stomach roll over like an unrelenting tidal wave. They didn’t care that Jaehyun was wallowing in his own sadness, trying to pick up pieces of forgotten friendships and lost time, only to find that they didn’t fit together anymore.

“What about you, Dowoon?” Hweseung asked, before the conversation could reach a deadend. Dowoon perked up from where he was probably trying to pick chicken out of his teeth, mulling over the conversation at hand for a second before deciding to reply.

“Soulmates are complicated, I guess. I mean, I put up with Younghyun and Wonpil, who are basically in the same situation as Seunghyub and Hun… But sometimes I wonder if that’s all soulmates can be, you know? Who’s to say your soulmate isn’t your pet? Or your best friend?” Jaehyun felt Dowoon’s gaze flick over to him for a second, something in his heart faltered. “I’d love for soulmates to be real, but not necessarily romantic. I think just being comfortable around someone completely is enough.”

Those words rested heavy on Jaehyun’s shoulders for hours after, the idea that maybe Dowoon understood him more than anyone else clouding any chances of sleep. But he didn’t mind, because the world seemed a bit less barren, Jaehyun felt a bit less alone.

  
  


⚘⚘⚘⚘

  
  


By the time winter was in full swing and frost sat in every crevice of the earth, Jaehyun was far away from home. He could feel each of his limbs slowly growing cold with the dropping temperatures, pins and needles creeping up his extremities as he shivered. One of his managers had said that filming a drama again would be fun, that Jaehyun’s brief stint in the acting world would be a highlight to this dreary year he’d dragged himself through. But they were wrong, because Jaehyun had never felt melancholy quite like this.

Even at his lowest point, a week into Hun’s hospital stay, where days seem to last forever and nights were just a time for more tears over lukewarm coffee, he had at least been in the company of his friends. Now Jaehyun had no one but the rest of the drama cast. They were alright, he supposed, they made for good colleagues and were okay for small talk. But they weren’t Hweseung and Dongsung who laughed louder than anyone during a game of Uno. They weren’t his sister or his parents, whose company made him beam from ear to ear.

_ They weren’t Dowoon. _

Jaehyun’s face could turn the ruddiest of shades at just the thought of his friend, simply because Dowoon in his entirety had become so much more than just a fellow drummer or acquaintance. As naive as it sounded, Dowoon had become his best friend.

Prior to leaving for Japan, they had made the most of their lighter schedule. Meeting up for coffee or late night snacks by the Han River was a regular ordeal for them now. They shared jokes and food and talked about everything and nothing and so much in between. It had been something Jaehyun was deprived of after Hun had turned to Seunghyub for company instead of himself. But now Dowoon had filled in a hole in Jaehyun’s heart, had stitched the frayed pieces back together again with an even stronger thread.

By the time the drama had settled into the filming schedule, days in front of cameras and being shuttled around to new locations, Jaehyun had started to feel that very same thread strain and wither around his fragile spirit. He’d tried to call Dowoon a number of times, hoping that he could catch him free for even a moment, just to say hi and to hear his voice again. Not the one he put on for the public and used to conduct interviews, but rather the quiet, often sleepy sounding lilt of the voice he used to talk to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun never received a reply.

And so the cycle of sleeping and working and eating where he could soldiered on. He ignored the various group chat messages with his bandmates, only answering to Hweseung if he really had to - it was normally to solve game disputes that arose between him and Donsung. Dongsung was always the one he defended.

Of course, being the ever diligent leader, Seunghyub did try to check up on him a few times; maybe it was actually a lot of times, but Jaehyun was too resentful to figure that out. Even Hun had tried to call him, but to no avail. Jaehyun was determined to ignore them, like a petulant child with a mean streak. He somehow managed to justify it all in his head, they had been ignoring him for so long so this was only fair. It didn’t matter the reason for their calls or their messages, he wasn’t going to answer.

Fate did not like the choice he had made. Jaehyun’s life started to go steadily down hill, until he was all but free falling to the ground. Between the last day of shooting and then the numerous press conferences and preparatory interviews before the drama release, Jaehyun’s exhaustion settled deep. Unlike how he supposed the flowers felt infesting Hun’s lungs, this pain he was experiencing now was more empty and hollow. A phantom of hurt that floated through his being whenever Jaehyun was left alone for even a second with his thoughts. Jaehyun’s quest had ground to a halt, especially on his plane back home, where the skies rumbled and rain poured from the heavens, crying at his misfortune.

No one came to greet him at the airport and Jaehyun made sure to take the long way back to the dorms, stopping at all his old haunts just to say hi to shopkeepers or wave to the harabeoji at his favourite ramen place. It was still dark and gloomy when he arrived at the front door, hand hovering over the door bell as he listened to what was going on beyond the thin walls.

There was laughter, lots of it, and suddenly it felt as if the last year had never happened. Maybe he would walk inside and the flowers inside of Hun would never have been there at all? Simply a figment of his imagination. Or maybe the laugh was more of the mocking kind? Preying on Jaehyun’s self-hatred nature that said he didn’t belong anymore.

Jaehyun didn’t have time to dwell on his thoughts for long, his finger pressing into the bell without him realising, muscle memory reaching out before his brain could catch up. Instantly, the noise died down and Jaehyun took a stumbling step backwards, hitting the wall behind him and cringing at the dull ache which spread up his spine.

“Oh, Jaehyun, you’re back.”

_ Seunghyub… Oh God. _

Jaehyun wanted to curse, wanted to never meet the eyes of the man in front of him, but he also didn’t want to be rude. He gave Seunghyub a curt nod, glancing up at him for a split second. Seunghyub looked mad.

“I think we need to talk, Jaehyun.”

“Yeah, yeah I think we do.”

Jaehyun walked into the apartment and closed the door behind him, the fresh petunias on the kitchen table were red.

  
  


⚘⚘⚘

  
  


The silence lasted too long, Seunghyub’s stare making Jaehyun certain that his fate was not to be a kind one. Hweseung and Dongsung had left minutes before, hesitant in their parting and Jaehyun had wished for them to be beside him, making sure that some demon didn’t appear to wreak havoc like Seunghyub was surely about to.

Seunghyub and Hun. Two halves of a whole where Jaehyun no longer fit in too. He had, once upon a time.

The petunias in the kitchen laughed at him.

“You were gone for a month Jaehyun, why the fuck didn’t you call me back? Or even just message me? All I got was that you helped Hweseung out with some half-assed card game argument?”

Oh, so Seunghyub had chosen the option to bark? Jaehyun could only curl up in response, trying his best to defend his rusting bones from the onslaught he was surely about to be pummeled by.

“I’m supposed to be your leader and you can’t even say hello to me every once in a while? I was so worried—” Jaehyun snorted, undignified and without a care.  _ Now that was just a straight up lie. _

“Worried? You were worried huh? Sure, you tell yourself that.”

“Oh cut the crap, we’re friends Jaehyun, of course I’m going to be worried when you decide to shut me out and then come back looking like death incarnate.”

“ _ Friends?  _ Friends don’t do what you did Seunghyub, not you either,” Jaehyun glances to Hun, not even daring to speak his name out of fear he would break at his far too fragile seams, “You’re both terrible  _ friends _ , All I’ve wanted for months has been one of you to see me, to act as if I’m not invisible. And all I got was you going on more date nights, and then dates during the day and then supposedly just hanging out and needing time alone.”

By now Jaehyun was up on his feet, trying to shake off his anger before it exploded to unreachable levels and he did or said something utterly unforgivable.

Hun was the one who spoke next, which Jaehyun wasn’t expecting at all; Seunghyub’s wide eyes suggested he hadn’t seen it coming either.

“W-We’re still your friends Jaehyun, even if you can’t see it, we’re still here.”

And maybe Jaehyun would have accepted those words had the time been different and the situation less pressing, but right now he couldn’t see past the fact that Hun and Seunghyub were oblivious to how much hurt they had caused him.

“You’re not though! Because you’ll go back to being all coupley and cute and I’ll still be here, same as always, alone. You were my best friend Hun, I trusted you with so much. I was the one who helped you for so long and not once have you really thanked me. Neither of you gave a shit, it was just Seunghyub and Cha Hun and the rest of us were background characters in your fairy tale.” Jaehyun waved his hands around in a pompous fashion, sneering as he finished his monologue and sat back down on the sofa without so much as a split second glance at the pair across from him. But, even from here, he could practically taste the anger coming off Seunghyub. Jaehyun was scared.

_ “I know you’re in love with him…” _

You could have heard a pin drop.

“What?”

“Don’t act surprised Jaehyun, you love Cha Hun, it’s so fucking obvious.” Seunghyub’s tirade was growing weaker, resolve cracking as he clearly grew tired of their argument. Or maybe he was just tired of Jaehyun?

“You’re right, I do love him Seunghyub. But not in the way you think. I don’t want to kiss him or write sappy love songs dedicated to everything that he is. I love him as a friend, and I think that kind of love is just as important.” Jaehyun’s voice was soft around the edges, worn down by the days and weeks and months of not having Hun by his side, only being able to watch his best friend blossom from a distance and brush away the weeds and cobwebs of his past.

“Jaehyun…” Hun breathed out, eyes shimmering as he stared at his best friend with an indecipherable expression, face morphing from hurt to concern to admiration and every other emotion under the sun.

“I’m not going to drag my feet anymore, I won’t force you to include me all of a sudden but maybe consider that you’ve hurt people. The past was full of terrible things and the present is too because you forgot that anyone else existed. Have a good date night.” Jaehyun muttered, knowing their schedule very well by now. It was a Friday, and every Friday Seunghyub and Hun disappeared from the dorm, only to wander in during the early hours when everyone else was asleep.

Leaving the dorm was an easy feat, all things considered. Jaehyun simply slung his backpack over his shoulder once more, slipped awkwardly into his boots and left before anyone could try to tell him no. If he heard Hun start to cry, he pretended it was just a trick of his tired ears, a siren trying to lure him back into a trap he had fought to escape.

Jaehyun’s feet led him far away, he didn’t stop his aimless wandering until he arrived outside of another door with another set of rowdy voices laughing away behind it.

“—Hyung you can’t say that!” A voice spluttered out loudly, Jaehyun’s heart skipping a beat for a moment as he realised just where he’d found himself.

_ Dowoon. _

Jaehyun had gone home.

  
  


⚘⚘

  
  


Dowoon’s room was far cleaner than Jaehyun had imagined, not to say that Dowoon was a messy person, but rather that Jaehyun had simply thought that his room would be just as cluttered as his own. But things were neatly stacked into piles, an electric drum kit tucked away into the corner and posters of some comic book heroes and pictures of his bandmates adorning the walls. It felt more cosy than Jaehyun’s room had ever felt, too stuffy with all of his clothes and blocky storage units.

“We can lie down if you want, you look like you need it hyung.” Dowoon said quietly, flicking off the main light only to turn on the bedside one a second later. Jaehyun wasted no time in taking up Dowoon’s offer, practically throwing himself at the bed and pulling the blankets all the way up to his chin. A smile found a way onto his face despite everything and the bed dipped down as Dowoon joined him.

“Thank you for letting me stay.”

“It’s not a problem, I’m sorry for not calling you back, I was so busy and time escaped me.”

“It’s alright, I’m just glad you were here now, I needed this.” Jaehyun vaguely gestured to Dowoon’s entire being with tired giggles leaving him, Dowoon chuckling right along with him as he turned so that he was properly facing Jaehyun, face only a mere inch away from the elder’s.

“So what exactly happened?”

Jaehyun could feel Dowoon’s breath on his cheeks, sighing and ducking his head down, feeling around in the dark until his hand clasped onto Dowoon’s, fingers entangling like creeping vines and locking them together.

“Seunghyub and Hun  _ tried _ to give me a talking to, I didn’t talk to them for the whole time I was in Japan… Because of what’s been happening,” Jaehyun let out yet another sigh, already tired just by thinking about the last few hours of his messy life, “I wanted to stay calm but they kept trying to play the victim and act as if they’ve been there for me the whole time. Which is stupid, because it’s clear to see they haven’t.”

Dowoon stayed quiet as Jaehyun rambled, brushing his thumb over Jaehyun’s hand in soothing strokes, face scrunched into a picture of concern and understanding. With Younghyun and Wonpil, the three of them that were left behind had felt nothing but happiness at first, glad to have everyone alive and well. But weeks passed and they couldn’t help but notice a divide. Thankfully it had been quick to resolve, Jaehyun’s situation was much more delicate than theirs.

“So then Seunghyub said I was in love with Hun, and I am… But not in the way he obviously thought I was. Hun is my best friend, well  _ was _ my best friend. I don’t know what we are now. But I have you so…” Jaehyun trailed off, not sure where to take the conversation now that he’d caught up to the present moment. He looked up to gauge Dowoon’s reaction, he didn’t expect the younger’s expression to suddenly contort.

“Jaehyun you’re— You’re not using me to replace Hun right?”

The string that bound Jaehyun’s heart started to unravel.

“No?! Gosh… Dowoonie it’s not like that at all.”

“Really? Because that’s what it sounds like Jaehyun.” Dowoon had never sounded so agitated and Jaehyun swore that his quest to live had morphed into a quest to keep Dowoon from misunderstanding. He couldn’t lose the younger, not like this. But just as he opened his mouth to speak, to state his case, he was interrupted.

“Save it for the morning, I’m not going to talk about this when we’re both tired. Goodnight Jaehyun.”

The light turned off with Jaehyun’s view being the outline of Dowoon’s back, so close and yet so so far away, so out of reach from Jaehyun’s breaking heart.

They didn’t talk about it in the morning, Jaehyun had left long before anyone in Dowoon’s dorm was awake.

  
  


⚘

  
  


Jaehyun walked home to the irregular beating of his pulse, steps clumsy as he crossed over the Han and watched the river rush and swell underneath his feet, the orchestrated chaos of the water making Jaehyun feel dizzy.

He didn’t make it all the way home like he had planned, he was going to walk into the dorm and stay in his room until someone had to physically drag him out, Jaehyun kicking and screaming all the while. No, he couldn’t have made it that far. Because the figure in the flower shop he tried so hard to never look at anymore stopped him in his tracks. It was Hun.

If Jaehyun had any sense at all, he would have walked past and ignored his best friend of days gone by, but something carried him towards Hun. Seunghyub had once cheesily discussed the string of fate, Jaehyun instead blamed his lack of sleep and complete disregard for his own wellbeing.

He bumped into Hun as the elder traversed around the potting aisle, cute vases and large plant pots stacked on top of one another precariously. Hun let out a tiny squeak of surprise, disturbing the silence and making Jaehyun flinch, sheepishly watching Hun turn to face him.

“Oh… Jaehyun, I…”

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun mumbled, scuffing his feet against the floor and watching the dust and soil get kicked up only to float back down to the ground a moment later.

“You’re sorry? For what?”

“For… Being an ass? I blew up yesterday and it wasn’t pretty and I should have spoken to you when I was in Japan and—”

“Jaehyun, Jaehyun shush!” Hun chuckled, taking Jaehyun’s hand and guiding him to the cashier to pay for his bouquet of what looked like primroses. “Yes, you could have talked to me and Seunghyub, but that doesn’t mean you need to apologise. You were only reacting to how terrible we had treated you for months and so I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Jaehyun doesn’t quite remember what happened after that, Hun’s hand wrapped around his own as they left the flower shop and walked to a bench that was flooded in early morning sunlight, warm and comforting despite the winter chill that ruffled around Jaehyun’s frame. He was sure that Hun was probably still talking about something beside him, but all Jaehyun could focus on was that Hun was here, apologising and holding his hand. It felt so… Normal? So simple but so right and Jaehyun couldn’t quite wrap his head around it.

“You still look the same when you’re in shock I see.” Hun giggled and Jaehyun was pretty sure tears sprung to his eyes, blinking quickly to clear them away as he shook his head.

“I do not!”

“I’m pretty sure you do.” Hun hummed and squeezed Jaehyun’s hand, looking out across the small stretch of the city they were looking over; Jaehyun still didn’t believe this was real. “I really am sorry though, about forgetting you. It was never my intention but I left the hospital and started focusing on Seunghyub even more and before I knew it so many months had passed and now here we are…

“I was really scared for so long, you know? I thought I was going to start seeing the flowers again, I thought they’d come back. Because there were no sparks, no fireworks, like people had promised there would be. I just loved Seunghyub, but it wasn’t anything momentous. It was terrifying. So I tried my best to just follow through and ended up losing track of everything else. I think we’re okay now, I think I’m starting to realise what you were talking about yesterday, that there’s so many types of love and it doesn’t have to be grand to be real.”

Hun’s words melted into the rays of sunlight and soaked into each blade of grass beneath their feet, Jaehyun felt them weasel their way into his heart too, patching up each deep wound little by little.

“I missed you so much…” Was all Jaehyun could whisper in reply, letting a few tears slide down his face as he shuffled forward and enveloped Hun in his arms, his friend petting his hair and letting him cry.

“I missed you too Jaehyunnie, I promise things will be different now. And I know I can’t speak for Seunghyub, but he thinks the same as I do, okay? He was angry yesterday because he was worried and just as oblivious as I was to what we’d been doing. I understand things aren’t going to change overnight but… One step at a time.”

“One step at a time, I can do that.” Jaehyun mumbled, lifting his head and smiling fondly as he saw the tears brimming in Hun’s own eyes, swiping away the ones that had collected on his lashes, making sure to be careful.

They sat there for a while longer, until the sun had properly risen and the traffic started to gather on the roads. Life was slowly passing by, Jaehyun had missed being able to appreciate it in Hun’s company.

“How do you do it?” Jaehyun asked as they got up to go back to the dorms, Hun’s hand still firmly holding his own.

“Do what?”

“Buy the flowers? Look at them even… Don’t they make you feel ill?”

“They make me feel warm, actually.” Hun chuckled, a bashful sound as he scratched the back of his head, Jaehyun’s look of bewilderment urging him to continue. “At first, I was scared like you are now. But then they became liberating, almost. These flowers can give love to other people, instead of showing the love that I didn’t have before. When I was coughing up the flowers in the past, it felt so cold, like someone was slicing open my lungs with shards of ice. But I look at these and I feel warm, in the same way that I feel warm around Seunghyub.”

“I feel warm too… Around Dowoon.” Jaehyun quietly admitted, looking down at his feet with pink cheeks and sparkling eyes. Hun paused then, just as they were about to walk back into the dorms, turning to face Jaehyun with a smile that was so genuine it made Jaehyun want to start crying all over again.

“You really love him, don’t you... But it’s not like the love I have for Seunghyub, right?”

“No. But it’s warm and it’s comforting and I just want to have him close, for a long time.”

“That’s beautiful.” Hun whispered.

And he was right, it was.

  
  


One year later…

  
  


“That is not going to work…” Seunghyub grumbles and pinches the bridge of his nose as he watches his bandmates and the rest of his friends make a mess of the dorm’s living room.

“What do you mean, hyung? Taping four twister boards together is a great idea!” Hweseung states with way too much enthusiasm for someone who had just been completely obliterated in Mario Kart, but the man had probably already put that event far behind him. “Anyway, this just means there’s less of a chance for us to be crushed by your ass.”

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?” Hun scoffs as he rounds the corner, laughing quietly to himself as he puts down the bowl of snacks and cans of cola on the table, far away from the ‘twister extravaganza’ (as Jae and Wonpil had just aptly named it).

“Your boyfriend’s ass is threatening Hweseung’s fragile bones.” Sungjin deadpanned, sitting down next to Hun and watching the chaos unfold. Jaehyun could do nothing but smile from where he was sitting on the ground, scanning over everyone’s faces as he sighed contently.

With ten people in the dorm, Jaehyun had expected things to be as rowdy as they were, having warned all of their neighbours in advance like he did at the same time every month. For a while now, they’d been meeting up for ‘Family Game Nights, all of them piling into the living room on the first weekend of every month that they were free during and playing a copious amount of games and eating far too much junk food. It had been a little awkward in the beginning, with Jaehyun still working out where he stood with Seunghyub and Hun. But by the third time they’d all met up, it was like life could not possibly be better.

“Is there room for a small one?” Came a quiet voice, Dowoon bending down to look at Jaehyun with a puppy-like smile.

“You’re not that small Dowoonie, but of course there is room for you my liege.” Jaehyun chuckled and patted his lap, instantly moving to cuddle up to Dowoon when he sat there, hooking his chin over the younger’s shoulder.

“Apparently, the winner of this game gets to choose what’s for dinner.”

“We all know Dongsung will win, he’s small and has some semblance of balance.” Jaehyun snorted and eyed Dongsung, the youngest busy conversing with Wonpil about something that Jaehyun couldn’t decipher, something about the ‘capitalist bullshit’ in Animal Crossing. It sounded intense.

“The new flowers look nice by the way…” Dowoon said, peering back into the kitchen where the colourful bouquet of roses sat in a brand new vase, a gift Jaehyun had received from Hun. They were all yellow; Jaehyun had found out they symbolised friendship sometime ago and hadn’t stopped buying them since. Dowoon also knew what they meant, and maybe that was why the pair loved them so much.

“I know, picked them out myself.”

“Oh really? You’re allowed to go to the shop without supervision now? You grew up so much Jaehyunnie.” Dowoon received a well-earned whack to his chest for that, Jaehyun’s eyes narrowing as he glared up at his best friend.

“You’re lucky I love you, you little shit.”

“I love you too, Jaehyun.” Dowoon said quietly, his smile was warm.

Jaehyun felt so comfortable, more so than he ever had in his entire life. He had his family, his friends, and he had Dowoon. The warmth in his heart was a constant.

Everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> here's my twitter :D : [@acepiri](https://twitter.com/acepiri)  
> 


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